9/11/01-9/11/02
i was not going to write it down but i decided to write it down because it
seems like everyone in America has an opinion of that day and i can remember it
as if it were yesterday and if i live to be 100 it will be there ready to grab
my throat with one hand and my gut with the other and even though my family and
friends turned out to be ok i did not know they were ok and it scared me and i
couldn’t cry for a month i just shut down and then when i did cry i could not
stop and now i see a little kid in a fire hat and even though he is just
playing or trick or treating it makes me wanna cry and it does not matter and i
don’t care if anyone reads this it is for my own sanity because i am thinking
of it too much and dwelling on it too much and second guessing too much and i
still cannot get through to the god i eventually found again but needed to
redefine and maybe if i wrote it down the way i thought it like i thought it on
that day in my own distracted internal dialogue like i think all day long it
would not come to me and make me not want to wake up in the morning because the
only thing worse than reliving all those images over and over in my mind or on
my tv is to think of that day and to wake up and think it could happen all over
again it could happen all over again and it might happen all over again and be
even worse and i would turn on the tv again to that awful day, this awful year
all over again and no matter how safe we think the skies are and how safe we
think the water is it could happen all over again and i cannot shake the
feeling that it is just a matter of time but what is even weirder is the first
memory i have of that day is looking down and noticing there is toothpaste
running down my nightshirt awake suddenly early so i walk to the tv-on bathroom
Matt Lauer is talking loudly my toothbrush in mouth i go see plane in building
fire-oh god the trade center those poor people what a terrible accident-second
plane no no no no don’t let this be just let it be a movie it looks just like a
movie change channel cnn no no no same thing I need to be sick this is not my
america this is not my country who would do this to my country my country does
not get attacked not since pearl harbor but that was military this is civilians
this is thousands and thousands of civilians how many people are in that
building horn honking i need to leave for work how can i go to work who would
buy a marriage license today who would buy a passport today or ever ever again
is this why i did not move to egypt how will my cousin get home from egypt now
why did i buy a us flag last saturday they must really hate us to do this who
would do this i just need to think how can i think war we are at war walking
into my work security lockdown search bag hunt for my badge i never wear it
anymore why would I need to we have nothing anyone wants up the elevators how
will those people get out it looked like people jumping no it was just office
paper let it be office paper but it looked like people paper does not have arms
have to stop thinking about it cannot think about it no go into my cubicle just
like those poor new yorkers did and then they died i can’t stop it and the god
i believed in did not stop it and i cannot even fathom what god must think of
this or where is he in all of this i can hear the tv on in nicks office not my
dc too not my hometown too not every relative i have i feel beyond sick kathy
works in the pentagon sometimes i wonder no she wouldn’t she would not be there
now not my best friend that I have had for 20 years send an email to her work
just hit reply if you are ok please be ok i know how busy you are why did i
move to utah why am i so far away from my sister i bet that plane flew right
over her work over her my becky she is my only sister i have now lorie comes
over looking as sick as i feel and says the building collapsed how do you get
out of that you don’t get out of that a plane full of fuel would be like a bomb
of course the buildings fell why won’t kathy answer my e-mail and now
pennsylvania my godparents live in allentown not there too why pennsylvania
shanksville isn’t that in the middle of amish country what is going on that
they would target there they think it is muslim extremists boy are we going to
feel like assholes if it is another mcveigh what a terrible thought but all
these thoughts are terrible where is the loving benign god that i thought i
believed in how can i sit here at my desk staring at a blank screen where is
kathy’s e-mail please just hit reply please be there the pentagon is a mile from
your house i hope people got out i just want to go home go home and curl up and
sleep but if i sleep i might wake up and it will happen all over again and the
first thought i could remember is watching that tv with toothpaste running down
my shirt.
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